Light

I was reminded this past weekend of the meaning of fellowship. It was so refreshing to visit San Antonio and be reunited with my UTSA friends. I did as much homework as I could before the weekend came so that I could relax this weekend, and I'm glad I did. Friday night, we ate at a restaurant called Los Robertos, and let me tell you, they had the best burritos I've ever eaten in my entire life! To end the weekend, Kevin, Ryan, Loren, and I ate there again. Two nights in a row..it was gross, yet so good at the same time. This restaurant was so good that it inspired Ryan to start his food blog, so be on the look out.

Food aside, a picture of fellowship was drawn that had slowly slipped from me - fellowship beyond clutter, distractions, borders, or restrictions of a campus. This fellowship is organic, real, and it's authentic. Fellowship is so much more significant, simple, and sufficient than any school organization. It's a body of believers united by Him whom we walk with.

Sometimes I just need to remember to step back a bit. The complications and logistics of ministry can so easily take away from the purpose which we are called to. Last night we worshiped God together and simply loved each other as we prayed out loud for God to move on our campuses in UTSA and UT. It was encouraging and refreshing. I pray that God can continue to move students to passion wherever they are and restore purpose in our lives.

How he Loves

I've had countless encounters within the past week where I'm just reminded of how blessed I am to have such amazing parents. To conclude the Asian-ness series in Epic, Carita Chen talked about the importance of honoring God and your parents at the same time. Even though I didn't feel like I related to a lot of the "typical Asian issues," I was still reminded of how I need to honor my parents by showing that I love them.

Honestly, that's something I struggle with a lot when it comes to my relationship with my parents. I love my parents, they know I do, but expressing that to them is another story. Whether it's through email, phone, or text, this semester so far has shown me how much they value communicating with me. It's pretty funny, the emails and texts that I get from them. One random morning, my mom sent me a text saying, "Put God first." I smiled, and just went back to sleep.

Understanding the ways my parents show love towards me has helped me to feel their love so much more, especially now that I'm away from home. My mom likes to send me short texts and emails asking how I'm doing with school work, while my dad likes to buy me things, heh. My dad is a lot like me in the sense that he probably doesn't like to express how he feels towards me in the father-son situation, but when it comes to buying me stuff, he doesn't hesitate. This past summer was one of the first times in my life where I had genuinely sought out advice from my parents for my spiritual life. It started with me asking what books to buy. For example, I asked my dad what the best study bible was, and he bought an ESV study bible for me the next day. I asked him what books I should read, he found his C.S. Lewis books and gave me his copy of Screwtape Letters and Mere Christianity that looked like it was 30 years old. I asked him which devotional books he recommended, and he subscribed to Table Talk for me within a week. (BTW, I recommend that monthly devotional magazine to anyone who is looking for one with quality material.) My dad's concern for my spiritual life, as witnessed through his recent purchases for me, shows how he loves me.

The other day I talked to my parents about my relationship with a particular person who happens to be a good friend of the opposite gender. That was interesting. I have never talked to them about anything that deep. It was like I had just learned how to doggie paddle, and I deliberately jumped into the middle of the ocean with a foam noodle to keep me from swallowing too much salt water. But all in all, it wasn't suffocating or drowning. I felt closer with my parents as I slowly found my footing in the not-so-deep ocean floor. They gave me Godly advice on relationships that I truly value. Again, I'm thankful that I have two Godly parents who are able to pray for me and give me perspective. Hearing their perspective on my life was enlightening, and reminded me of how they love me.

Amidst all of these eye opening experiences, I was awakened even more as I listened to the devastating, yet life-giving story of a senior who has been visiting Epic the past couple weeks. His story reminded me how blessed I am to have parents who love me...to have parents who pray for me...to have parents who I can speak English with...to have parents. I don't want to say too much, and I don't want to spoil his testimony for you (he is going to be sharing at Epic this Wednesday), but what would you do if you lost both your parents unexpectedly within one year? To lose one parent would be both devastating and heart-breaking. To endure the loss of both would require persevering strength and endurance. It may even require one to reevaluate their faith in God. To see him hold back his tears was like watching a broken levee hold the vast ocean. I usually don't cry in public and I didn't of course, but I've never had to hold back tears so hard. I respect him so much for the pain and losses that he has endured.

All in all, the story of his painful losses and the subtle love from my parents as I've experienced through their limited love languages reminds me of the Creator how He loves me immeasurably in every single love language ever created. <3
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(my dad is in the picture up top! and do you like my perfect grammer??)

ignorance is not bliss

somewhere in between my last entry and now, i have become slightly uncomfortable with the idea of so many people reading about my life. not that my life is important, but i like to believe that what i write is personal. looking back, i realize that my posts were more personal than i realized, and i think, "wow, i wrote that on internet?" even this short entry, i believe, is showing a piece of my heart thats revealing a deeper issue. what is that issue?

am i closing myself up? is closing up an effort to appear like everything is perfect in my life? am i lacking the God-given conviction that once led me to tell the whole world what he's been teaching me?

whatever the reason is, blogging is a good way for me to process God's work in my life, and when i dont do it, i dont process God's work. and since i haven't been making an effort to do it recently, maybe i've just been ignorant to what He's been doing all around me.

so whatever the point of this entry is, i've concluded that i was once vulnerable with the inter-network, and as scary as that is, it's something i will continue to do...later :)

i want to write a blog post

but i dont have time..

snapshot

of my life right now.

currently i am:
-a little bit stressed over my first advertising test. its on tuesday and this test sets the pace for the class...this class sets the pace for the rest of my (advertising) career! at least from my current limited perspective

-anxious about epic leadership. i've been given leadership opportunities left and right, and i am excited/nervous about how i will live up to the roles. i thought this year would be a complete opposite of utsa, but i feel like i have more responsibilities now. i think God really has prepared me in so many ways through my fellowship at utsa, and i can see how God has allowed me to experience things for a reason.

-tired just getting back from san antonio at 1am to witness alex liu's baptism at alamo stone. it was awesome seeing old friends again. i had to do some studying when i got back and also have church at 9am.

-learning to develop a heart for prayer. along with a heart for prayer, im learning to be sensitized to the things i have been desensitized towards. i am insensitive towards God (and towards others a lot of times)

Psalm 25:4-6 (English Standard Version)

⁴ Make me to know your ways, O LORD;
teach me your paths.
⁵Lead me in your truth and teach me,
for you are the God of my salvation;
for you I wait all the day long.

⁶Remember your mercy, O LORD, and your steadfast love,
for they have been from of old.

where would you go?

today i had a friendly conversation with a guy named "bob". it was a typical get-to-know-you conversation which quickly turned into a here-is-what-we-believe conversation, which slowly turned into a how-can-i-believe-in-a-god-that-allows-so-much-hurt conversation.

a couple day ago, i met a guy, "joe", who recently accepted Christ. i talked to him for a couple hours about his testimony and how he felt to be a christian. he said this:

i just became christian before this summer. i used to be atheist. you dont want to be atheist. i had suicidal thoughts all the time...i had no hope. all i could think about was how I wanted to change MY life. i was selfish. it never occurred to me that there was a God out there. when i found God, i found the purpose of life.

tonight when i thought about what he said in relation to bob, i just started crying. the fact that "bob" could possibly be going through what joe went through is heart breaking. it scares me that he doesnt believe in God. i wonder how one can live life without knowing God. how can anything in life have any purpose at all without God?

shortly after, i realized that i often ask myself the wrong questions. i sometimes talk to people as if my words can change their lives. as if i could say the right things at the right times, and then they will come to the realization that God does truly exist, or that there really is life after death. and then when the right time comes, at the climax of the conversation, this question will roll off my tongue: if you were to die tomorrow, where would you go?

i wonder what it would look like if i asked this question instead: if they were to die tomorrow, how could i treat them differently right now?

would it change the way i treated them and talked to them? would it make me love them more? would it make me share the gospel with them more passionately?

i think i lack urgency when i see my friends. i rely on "later" instead of now. i tell myself i need to build this awesome trusting and perfect friendship before i can say anything spiritual. i lose sight of the future and only think of now. maybe a change in my perspective would change the way i treated the people around me

first full day of...

today marked my first full day in austin. it was quite an experience, full of good and bad. let me tell you, i have never felt so comfortable in my life. good, right? yes. well, no. maybe yes, but maybe no. most likely a combination of both, i'm leaning towards no. the day started off with going to austin stone. i never felt so comfortable about being a christian. it was such a safe place to be christian. of course that's a good thing. a church that can create an environment that makes you feel good about being a christian is definitely a plus. i was so comfortable that it made me uncomfortable. i was uncomfortable about being comfortable...why is that?

seeing all these asians here is pretty funny. its like when i was in hawaii this summer for summer project. being asian, i was part of the majority for once. here, i feel so comfortable about being asian. its like i wont ever experience a racist joke ever again from here on out. well, thats a lie. i know thats not realistic, but who dares to mess with an asian when they're outnumbered a million to one. being comfortable in my identity almost makes me uncomfortable. its weird, why is that..

then back on campus im reminded of the same environment as austin stones' as i walk throughout the campus. yesterday i was walking along the campus, and i saw about five christian groups promoting their organizations. i had never seen so many christian fellowships gathered in one place to promote what they believed in. christians are everywhere, and i feel a little uneasy about it. not because i dont like christians, but because christians are so comfortable with being christian, and non christians are comfortable with seeing christians, as if they were just another campus organization among many.

i sometimes wonder what it would be like to live in Jesus' time, after he had ascended up to heaven. imagine if the disciples were as comfortable with their faith as we are. what would it have looked like? they for sure wouldnt have persecuted. peter wouldnt have denied Jesus 3 times, judas wouldnt have hanged himself, and peter wouldnt have been crucified on a cross upside down. how were they able to share the gospel despite their measure of persecution? how are WE not able to share the gospel to the lost despite our lack of persecution? i dont think the 12 disciples would have been able to reach as many people as they did if they lived like we do.

maybe what im getting at is this: why do we strive for a comfortable lifestyle, faith, and future when God calls us to be anything BUT comfortable? in john 20:19 we see how the disciples reacted to the death of Jesus. "on the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being LOCKED where the disciples were for FEAR of the jews..." despite their fear, Jesus returns to them and says this, "as the Father has SENT me, even so I am SENDING you." the power that sent Jesus Christ to die on a cross is the same power that sends us among the people around us.

i write this not because i get it and no one else does, but because i struggle to get it. being a christian in america has been a blessing and a curse, but right now i see it as a curse. sometimes, like now, i just wish i could go to china to experience an uncomfortable faith...