where would you go?

today i had a friendly conversation with a guy named "bob". it was a typical get-to-know-you conversation which quickly turned into a here-is-what-we-believe conversation, which slowly turned into a how-can-i-believe-in-a-god-that-allows-so-much-hurt conversation.

a couple day ago, i met a guy, "joe", who recently accepted Christ. i talked to him for a couple hours about his testimony and how he felt to be a christian. he said this:

i just became christian before this summer. i used to be atheist. you dont want to be atheist. i had suicidal thoughts all the time...i had no hope. all i could think about was how I wanted to change MY life. i was selfish. it never occurred to me that there was a God out there. when i found God, i found the purpose of life.

tonight when i thought about what he said in relation to bob, i just started crying. the fact that "bob" could possibly be going through what joe went through is heart breaking. it scares me that he doesnt believe in God. i wonder how one can live life without knowing God. how can anything in life have any purpose at all without God?

shortly after, i realized that i often ask myself the wrong questions. i sometimes talk to people as if my words can change their lives. as if i could say the right things at the right times, and then they will come to the realization that God does truly exist, or that there really is life after death. and then when the right time comes, at the climax of the conversation, this question will roll off my tongue: if you were to die tomorrow, where would you go?

i wonder what it would look like if i asked this question instead: if they were to die tomorrow, how could i treat them differently right now?

would it change the way i treated them and talked to them? would it make me love them more? would it make me share the gospel with them more passionately?

i think i lack urgency when i see my friends. i rely on "later" instead of now. i tell myself i need to build this awesome trusting and perfect friendship before i can say anything spiritual. i lose sight of the future and only think of now. maybe a change in my perspective would change the way i treated the people around me

first full day of...

today marked my first full day in austin. it was quite an experience, full of good and bad. let me tell you, i have never felt so comfortable in my life. good, right? yes. well, no. maybe yes, but maybe no. most likely a combination of both, i'm leaning towards no. the day started off with going to austin stone. i never felt so comfortable about being a christian. it was such a safe place to be christian. of course that's a good thing. a church that can create an environment that makes you feel good about being a christian is definitely a plus. i was so comfortable that it made me uncomfortable. i was uncomfortable about being comfortable...why is that?

seeing all these asians here is pretty funny. its like when i was in hawaii this summer for summer project. being asian, i was part of the majority for once. here, i feel so comfortable about being asian. its like i wont ever experience a racist joke ever again from here on out. well, thats a lie. i know thats not realistic, but who dares to mess with an asian when they're outnumbered a million to one. being comfortable in my identity almost makes me uncomfortable. its weird, why is that..

then back on campus im reminded of the same environment as austin stones' as i walk throughout the campus. yesterday i was walking along the campus, and i saw about five christian groups promoting their organizations. i had never seen so many christian fellowships gathered in one place to promote what they believed in. christians are everywhere, and i feel a little uneasy about it. not because i dont like christians, but because christians are so comfortable with being christian, and non christians are comfortable with seeing christians, as if they were just another campus organization among many.

i sometimes wonder what it would be like to live in Jesus' time, after he had ascended up to heaven. imagine if the disciples were as comfortable with their faith as we are. what would it have looked like? they for sure wouldnt have persecuted. peter wouldnt have denied Jesus 3 times, judas wouldnt have hanged himself, and peter wouldnt have been crucified on a cross upside down. how were they able to share the gospel despite their measure of persecution? how are WE not able to share the gospel to the lost despite our lack of persecution? i dont think the 12 disciples would have been able to reach as many people as they did if they lived like we do.

maybe what im getting at is this: why do we strive for a comfortable lifestyle, faith, and future when God calls us to be anything BUT comfortable? in john 20:19 we see how the disciples reacted to the death of Jesus. "on the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being LOCKED where the disciples were for FEAR of the jews..." despite their fear, Jesus returns to them and says this, "as the Father has SENT me, even so I am SENDING you." the power that sent Jesus Christ to die on a cross is the same power that sends us among the people around us.

i write this not because i get it and no one else does, but because i struggle to get it. being a christian in america has been a blessing and a curse, but right now i see it as a curse. sometimes, like now, i just wish i could go to china to experience an uncomfortable faith...

3 cavities

today i was humbled. not in the traditional i-am-so-inadequate-compared-to-God way, but in the i-havent-looked-at-it-like-that-lately kind of way...which sort of does equate to the traditional way, except i was reminded in a nontraditional way. long story short, i went to the dentist today and found out that i have three cavities.

short story long. i brush my teeth thoroughly at least twice a day and floss once a day. i even wear my retainer [at least] three times a week (not that it affects my teeth)! pretty standard right? last school year i didnt even drink soda. ok maybe once a week on fridays when i felt really rebellious. but really, with those habits, how do you get cavities? how do you not have perfect teeth?

so its pretty ironic, because i leave for austin tomorrow. jokingly, i said to a friend, "wouldn't it suck if i found out that i had cavities then had to come back labor day to get them filled?" But really i'm thinking, "me with cavities? yeah right!"

while my new dentist was examining my teeth with her pitchfork and mirror, she makes awkward small talk, which wasnt really small talk. she was talking about church and asking about my dad being a pastor. i badly wanted to explain myself, but the only words i could say were "uhhuh" and "nu uh". in between that, she nonchalantly goes "you've got three small cavities." and that was all she said. then she turns toward her assistant and tells her about not being able to take her son to schlitterbahn.

so many thoughts began to circle my mind. was she serious? how small are they? do i need to do anything about it? can i get them filled now and get it over with? do i even have to get them filled? how do i even have cavities in the first place?

she finished cleaning my teeth shortly after that, and tells me i can make my way towards the front to get a statement about the cavities. thoughts still running through my mind, i approach my dentist and ask her some questions about the cavities in my mouth. here is what she said:

You have three small cavities in your mouth. they're hard to see, but they're there. you have to get them filled or else they will get bigger. you dont have to get them filled now, but its highly recommended that you do get them filled. it could stay the same size, it could get bigger, but it wont get smaller. see, the cavity is in a crevice so deep and small that brushing could never reach it. when you were younger, you probably got these crevices covered to prevent these cavities, but over time these coverings go away and your teeth become more vulnerable. it's not that you dont brush or floss your teeth enough. in fact, no matter how much you floss and brush your teeth, you can't prevent these kind of cavities. its because of the anatomy of your teeth that bacteria will get into the deepest parts of the tooth and just hide there. it's simply the way they are shaped..the way they are designed..and you need to get them filled.

i nodded in understanding, filled out my papers, and left the office with a little smile. a little smile because it was comforting to know that my cavities weren't caused by a lack of anything that i did, but rather because of the way my teeth were formed. and a little smile because it was comforting to know that even though there is nothing on earth that i could possibly do to make myself worthy of His presence, the holes in my life have already been filled by Him.

the start of the end of the beginning

so now im back to this blog. im back from hawaii after being there for 7 weeks. this summer is winding down and school is about to start. God grew me so much this summer and prepared me for things i never thought of. this last week in houston has been so hectic. with less than four days left here, everybody wants to hang out. not enough time here!